UFOs Responsible For Missing Socks – New Evidence
Government data on Flying Saucers explains the national obsession of looking for lost socks.
Recent reports made public from the National Archive have shown an increasing number of UFO sightings over the United Kingdom since the Second World War; which high-level defence, weather and technology experts have gone to great lengths to explain.
However, the rise of 'flying saucer' sightings has a direct correlation to the steady increase of lost socks over the last decades, which Ministry of Defence officials have been quite unable - or unwilling - to explain, Britain's hardest-working sock subscription service has found out.
"It's obvious," Mark Hall, Gentleman Creation and Alien Liaison Officer at Socked.co.uk, said whilst adjusting his tin-foil hat, "You think your lost socks have been eaten by the washing machine, or lost down the back of the bed. They haven't."
"It can only be aliens, helping themselves to a decent wardrobe one sock at a time."
Figures released by the government show a steady stream of UFO sightings over Britain, often near major population centres where people have recently lost socks.
"Just last year," the Socked.co.uk spokesman remarked, "two unidentified craft were spotted over London during the Olympic opening ceremony. The next day we had reports from all over the capital of lost socks.
"The evidence is there if you care to go out and look for it. Never mind that 'citation needed' rubbish on Wikipedia - the truth is out there, in sock form."
Since the early 1990s, a spike of sock disappearances has coincided with what has become known as the "Falkirk Triangle", an area of central Scotland where there are some 300 UFO sightings every year. While some say the sightings are little more than aircraft and natural phenomena, there are those who see sinister work - quite literally - afoot.
"Again," said Hall, sitting in his office under a vast 'I Want To Believe' poster, " these are major population areas. Socks go missing all the time here. Aliens, I tell you. Aliens."
"You should see how many pairs of socks we have to ship to Scotland to cover for these losses. There can be no earthly explanation."
The Socked spokesman pointed out that the best way to fight these alien invaders is with a regular Socked.co.uk subscription. All Socked socks are guaranteed to be 100 per cent alien resistant.
Number of UFO sightings per year and average amount of missing socks per person
Area UFO sightings Missing socks pp
London 23 8
Yorkshire 18 7
Scotland 26 9
South West 15 7
South East 16 7
Midlands 19 8
North East 20 8
Nottinghamshire 4 3
Ireland 10 6
NOTES TO EDITORS
SPOKESPERSON IS AVAILBLE TO COMMENT
For further information contact Mark Hall on 07841 779892, or firstname.lastname@example.org
Socked.co.uk is a black sock subscription service for both discerning gentleman and male-pattern inhabitants from the Planet Thargg; based in the UK they provide high quality socks for men that are delivered monthly, every three or six months. Socked.co.uk also gives free etiquette and style tips to gentlemen.
The service appeals to time-poor men (and male-pattern inhabitants from the Planet Thargg), and for people who want to buy that stylish gift that keeps giving.
Subscriptions start at just £5.99 a month. Delivery to the UK is free, outer space delivery by prior arrangement only.
Gentleman Creation and Alien Liaison Officer