The Link Between Attentive Listening and Joy

Tom Schneider, Ph.D., has many talents including the ability to explain psychological issues through storytelling. In his book, "Breaking Anger's Embrace and Other Insights on the Human Condition", Schneider describes himself as a "Stretch not a Shrink." As a "Stretch", here's what he has to say:

I met with a 50-year-old, perplexed, businessman recently. He was perplexed because he seems to have everything, but he is not happy. Even in this difficult economy, his business is doing well; he has a loving wife and bright, healthy children; and he has money in the bank--a lot of money. So why is he unhappy?

First, he worries a lot--principally about his business. In fact, he worries so much that it preoccupies his mind.

Second, he is a perfectionist and so, of course, he worries when anything goes wrong.

Third, he has no other interests outside of his business and family.

So, what's to be done?

I told him about my theories of finding joy in creativity and in contribution, but he says he's too busy to seek out his genie (Chapter 4 in Breaking Anger's Embrace) and that all his contributions go to his family and his business.

Next, I asked him to tell me more about his racing and uncontrolled thoughts--thoughts that he describes as being like "chattering monkeys in a tree." He responded by telling me what happened when he took his family to dinner after his eldest child came home from college on Spring Break. His son talked excitedly about his experiences at college, but his father had been so focused on the "chattering monkeys" that he could not recall most of what his son had said.

In my book, I wrote about "sharing joy" as a "gift of self", and here I will emphasize the most important gift of all--the profoundly simple, but not easy, act of listening. Bear in mind that listening differs from hearing. Hearing is passive and mostly involuntary; listening, however, is not at all passive or involuntary. It demands far more active participation by concentrating on, and sometimes interacting with, the speaker.

Attentive, empathic, focused listening, to the point where the speaker actually feels heard, can bring joy to both participants. I urged the businessman to develop his listening skills. I urge you to do the same.

Share joy!

http://www.breakingangersembrace.com/_blog/Blog/post/Joy!

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