A Message From The Onion's, Vice Chairman, Douglas Siegfried Zweibel

To Whom It May Concern,

Please enjoy the latest print edition of the The Onion, America's Finest News Source, on newsstands now in every city on the planet. As but a mere speck of a crumb in the shadow of The Onion, you are no doubt aware that our newspaper's print revenues accounted for nearly 45% of the national GDP in 2013, making The Onion by far the most successful print-based media corporation in the world, and the vanguard of the burgeoning Print Media Revolution. May this most recent hard-copy issue serve as a subtle reminder of our disgusting wealth and prestige.

Cower before us, pathetic peon, and know that no matter what breed of calamity shall soon befall this doomed hellscape we call Earth, The Onion's print edition shall never die, shall never be rendered obsolete, shall never fall prey to a sudden and irreversible shift in the global media marketplace, and shall always be there, every week, until humanity itself has, God willing, passed from the cosmos.

Tu Stultus Es,

Douglas Siegfried Zweibel

Vice Chairman

The Onion, America's Finest News Source

The Onion

730 N. Franklin, Floor 7

Chicago, IL 60654