Bad Grotto Santa’s Ruin The Real Santa's Good Name
Shopping centre Santas are giving Christmas grottoes and the genuine Father Christmas a bad name with bad dress sense and poor attitudes to the important tasks of gift-giving and naughty-or-nice list compiling, a recent study has discovered.
Amongst the queues for a chance to sit on Santa's knee, researchers found a litany of pillows up Santa suits, ill-fitting elf outfits, poor beard discipline and poor, cheap presents.
"It's shocking," said Mark Hall, gentleman creation officer at sock subscription service Socked.co.uk who conducted the research, "Father Christmas is a true role model for millions - if not billions - of kids around the world, but his representatives up and down the country are letting the legend down with poor dress sense."
"Kids want a genuine experience with the big man that they'll remember for a lifetime, not obvious cotton wool beards, garden centre wellie boots, and a pillow sticking out of his suit. Standards are slipping, and we are in danger of losing the essence and spirit of the season. Something must be done"
The main causes for concern were:
Cheap presents: 10p bubbles, mini chocolate bars, and worst of all one poor child was given a spatula. One concerned mother commented: "We queued for 20 minutes and paid £5, now my child who had been looking forward to Christmas since July thinks that Santa doesn't like him. What is a 5-year-old going to do with a spatula?"
Expensive access to Santa: £5 to to sit on his lap for a minute, a 10p present and a terrifying photo?
Poor Santa discipline: We noted a distinct lack of "Ho-ho-ho" and effective Naughty/Nice interrogation in some quarters. We fear that Santa may not even have come from Lapland this year.
Poor Santa hygiene: He's a busy man at this time of year, but surely Mrs Santa won't let him leave for the grotto in the morning without brushing his beard and cleaning his teeth? Some of the Santas encountered had breath that could melt a snowman. One mum said: "Shane couldn't believe his eyes, and I've never seen him so happy. Trouble is neither could I with that ciggie breath and scary beady eyes."
Poor Santa fashion: Clothing trends move on, but Father Christmas stays the same. However, and we are pretty certain about this, he never turned up on Christmas night with holes in his socks and a silver belt buckle that was made out of tin foil.
Lack of elf discipline: We found Father Christmas let down by badly dressed helpers with a poor attitude to the job. We call for urgent reforms in the National Elf Service .
Worst of all, the Socked.co.uk researchers found, was a fashion towards white socks for Father Christmas and his helpers.
"White socks?" said Hall, "He might as well be wearing open-toed sandals as well. This is a job for the Fashion Police - they would have sorted out these grotty grottoes"
"Our black sock subscription also makes a suberb Christmas gift for any gentleman, including Father Christmas," said Hall.
An official North Pole spokesperson commented, "I can assure you the real Santa is a gentleman and we are aiming for another record breaking year in present delivery and efficiency. Santa's outfit is in pristine condition as is his beard and he is currently carefully reading the who is naughty and who is nice book 2012"
"In and amongst the billions of presents scheduled for delivery I can confirm we have 357,897,32 pairs of socks to deliver"
The spokesperson further commented "Ho Ho Ho"
PICTURES ARE AVAILABLE TO SUPPORT THIS STORY
SPOKESPERSON IS AVAILBLE TO COMMENT
Editors Notes
For further information contact Mark Hall on 07841 779892, or
mark@socked.co.uk
www.socked.co.uk is monthly black sock subscription service for discerning gentleman.
Sirs can order in any color they like as long as it is black.
With a black sock subscription you will never have odd socks again.
Socked are working on the world’s largest survey to find out what happens to missing socks.
Sockscriptions start at £5.99 a month including delivery and can be bought as a gift for a loved for or for oneself.
One of main causes of Christmas day arguments is when Dad presses the jingle bells button on his garish Christmas socks for the 85th time.
Black socks look great in winter, spring, summer and autumn.
Socked LTD is a UK company based in Leeds that launched Late August 2012.
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