A Message From The Onion's, Vice Chairman, Douglas Siegfried Zweibel

To Whom It May Concern, Please enjoy the latest print edition of the The Onion, America's Finest News Source, on newsstands now in every city on the planet. As but a mere speck of a crumb in the shadow of The Onion, you are no doubt aware that our newspaper's print revenues accounted for nearly 45% of the national GDP in 2013, making The Onion by far the most successful print-based media corporation in the world, and the vanguard of the burgeoning Print Media Revolution. May this most recent hard-copy issue serve as a subtle reminder of our disgusting wealth and prestige. Cower before